Mother's Day Story Archives - West Virginia Public Broadcasting

When Mom Has Dementia, How To Celebrate Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is not always a happy day for everyone — like when mom has dementia and is forgetting the family she raised.

Mother’s Day is not always a happy day for everyone — like when mom has dementia and is forgetting the family she raised. News Director Eric Douglas is facing this situation himself.

For his ongoing series Getting Into Their Reality: Caring For Aging Parents, he spoke with Chris Schneider, the director of communications for the Alzheimer’s Foundation of America, about how to celebrate Mother’s Day when mom has dementia.

This interview has been lightly edited for clarity.

Douglas: Obviously, this weekend is Mother’s Day. It’s a joyous time, it’s a wonderful time to celebrate our mothers. Unfortunately, it’s difficult for a lot of people as well. My own mother has dementia and is in a nursing home now. So I’m dealing with this myself. So let’s talk just a little bit about how to handle celebrations like this with a person who has dementia. How do you cope? How do you handle it?

Schneider: Well, as you mentioned, it can be challenging just because of the nature of the illness in the way dementia affects the person living with it, but also the way those it affects their loved ones. But one of the biggest things that people can do is just adapt the celebration and being adaptable and flexible are two of the most important traits for any caregiver. And what Mother’s Day is really about is honoring the special mother figures in your life and celebrating the bond between you. And while dementia may change how that’s done, it doesn’t change the bond. So, it’s important that if you’re celebrating with a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease, just adapt that celebration, but remember, it’s about the love you share with your loved one.

Douglas: You’re gonna tell me probably keep things a little lower key. Don’t have too high of expectations, but what are some of the things somebody can do to adapt their celebrations?

Schneider: You want to try to adapt old favorites. And just as you mentioned, somebody living with dementia may not be able to do things exactly as they did before the onset of dementia. So, an example is if every Mother’s Day you went out to your mom’s favorite restaurant, and now she’s not able to go out to the restaurant or doesn’t feel comfortable going out in public, or maybe crowds cause anxiety or fear or other emotions like that. Order in food from that establishment.

If large crowds make her uncomfortable, make the gathering a little smaller, but still spend that time together and still celebrate her and show her that you care and show her how much you appreciate. And it’s just those little adaptations. If the person enjoyed playing a musical instrument, maybe listen to music with them together, listen to their favorite songs. There are ways to adapt things to keep the spirit of the celebration there and incorporate what your loved one likes to do and favorite things but do it in a way that makes them feel comfortable.

Douglas: This happened a couple years ago before I realized exactly what was happening, but my mom was always big into baking and loved baking cookies. She glanced at a recipe, I think to pretend as much as anything else, to be able to bake all this stuff. And not long ago we had my daughter’s up, and had her up, and we were going to bake cookies. I asked her to start something and I could tell it wasn’t going to go well so I quickly jumped back in and took over and had her do some decorating or whatever with my daughters. That was well before the diagnosis but I think that was a signal for me that we have to have to look at this a little differently.

Schneider: But you found a way to adapt, which is a good thing. You know if she can’t bake exactly as she did before, but she can help with certain ingredients, or help with part of the process, you’re still involving her in something that she used to do and likes to do. You’re letting her experience that sense of purpose and accomplishment. But you’re doing it in a way that makes her comfortable. And that’s really one of the biggest things you can do in terms of making an adaptation. And not only that, it helps create new memories, so you’re focusing on what she can still do what she’s able to do, and what she chooses to do now, not necessarily dwelling on what she is no longer able to do. And those are two good things as well.

I once heard that the most valuable commodity is time, because you can’t make any more of it. It’s a finite resource. So, spending time with your mom and spending that quality time together doing things that again, she likes to do now, and is able to do now that’s really one of the most important things you can do to creating those new memories together and bring her joy in a way that she’s able to experience. That’s better than any gift she can receive.

Douglas: I was thinking possibly something I would maybe put in the “Don’t do” category is sometimes they try to put too much pressure, whether showing pictures or just trying to remember when we did this, and I think that’s a way to get everybody upset. But are there any other things that you would say do not do?

Schneider: I think you hit the nail right on the head with that one. Reminiscing is a great form of therapy. Familiar faces and old photos can bring joy and comfort to someone living with dementia. Even if they don’t remember the names of the people, they may still remember the time or they may remember the face. Or they may remember even that, even if they don’t remember who it is, they may just know, “Hey, this is someone special.” So, looking at old photos together is a great thing to do on Mother’s Day.

But as you mentioned, you don’t want to ask, “Don’t you remember when we took this trip? Don’t you remember who that is?” Because they may not you know — it’s a memory disorder. So you don’t want them to feel pressured or embarrassed or ashamed. As you’re looking at the photos together, describe for them as you’re going through them who the people are, who the occasion was, “Hey, Mom, this is me and you and your daughter, and this was when we took that vacation to Florida together. It was such a great time.” Do it like that. So you’re giving them the information and allowing them to experience the reminiscence but you’re not putting the pressure on them. You don’t want to do that.

The West Virginian Who Created Mother’s Day And Regretted It

Anna Jarvis grew up in Grafton, West Virginia in the late 1800s. She was one of 11 children but one of just four of the children who lived to adulthood. As the oldest daughter, she shared a close bond with her mother. Anna often wrote her mother letters and took care of her as she developed heart conditions. She died in 1905.

Her mother’s death led Jarvis to devote her life to the holiday now recognized as International Mother’s Day.

West Virginia Public Broadcasting’s Duncan Slade spoke with Katharine Antolini, a history and gender studies professor at West Virginia Wesleyan University and the author of Memorializing Motherhood: Anna Jarvis and the Struggle for Control of Mother’s Day.

This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

Slade: What impact does her death have on Anna Jarvis? How does it go from the death of just her mother to this holiday? How does that happen?

Katharine Antolini: When going through her writing and what she would claim is that it all begins in the 1870s. Anna is 12 years old. They’re in church at the Andrew Methodist Episcopal Church in Grafton. And her mother, Mrs. Jarvis, is a Sunday school teacher. And so she was listening to her mother give a Sunday school lesson on mothers of the Bible. You know, it was her mother’s favorite Sunday school lesson. So at the end of that Sunday school lesson, her mother gives this prayer that she hopes and prays that someday somebody will create a memorial on Mother’s Day to honor women. So Anna swears she remembers that.

Slade: What is the first Mother’s Day and how does it progress?

Antolini: Mrs. Jarvis dies in 1905. So 1906 to 1907, all that Anna organizes are small little memorials in Grafton at what is now the International Mother’s Day Shrine. And then, she decides she wants not just little memorial services to her mother, she wants this Mother’s Day. So she starts this huge letter-writing campaign in 1907. And she’s writing to anybody she thinks that can help her. She’s writing to politicians, she’s writing to merchants, she’s writing to church organizations. And she lucks out because she finds a supporter, and John Wanamaker in Philadelphia, a huge merchant.

Inside the church where the first Mother’s Day ceremony was held.

On May 10, 1908, is the first official Mother’s Day when the first ceremony is held in Grafton. So that’s why West Virginia we claim to be the ‘mother state of Mother’s Day,’ because we hosted it in Grafton in the morning. So by 1909, it’s spreading to other states. By 1912, Mother’s Day is being celebrated in every state in some capacity. So by the time we get to 1914, and Woodrow Wilson makes it a national holiday, it’s already being celebrated by every state. So, Congress and Woodrow Wilson are kind of making official a holiday that is already being celebrated on the state level for a couple of years by then.

Slade: From the first Mother’s Day to a national holiday in like, what seven years? It seems like such a feat with basically just these letters that are going out and one woman’s energy. What is her pitch in those letters?

Antolini: Well, it depends on who she’s writing to. She would tailor her argument to the audience that she’s writing to. For example, one of my favorite letters, she’s writing to Theodore Roosevelt. And Theodore Roosevelt, if you remember, his big thing, especially in the early 20th century, was every man needs to fight for his country. And for a woman to serve her country, she needs to have children. So, Teddy Roosevelt equated motherhood to patriotism. So obviously, then when Anna’s writing to him, saying you need to support this holiday, because we need to honor these women who are patriots, these women who are having children right for America, and are serving their country just like men who go to war, but women are serving their country by being mothers.

Slade: I was thinking about how nowadays Mother’s Day is this big thing where there’s candy, you go to brunch afterwards, there’s flowers involved. There’s all this other stuff. When does that commercialization start? And then how does she deal with that?

Antolini: Alright, so by 1912, she’s already mad at the floral industry. So it starts pretty quickly, because once the holiday starts to spread — by 1912 it’s been recognized throughout the United States — of course, the floral industry is gonna jump on that. And so by then she’s mad. She’s mad because they’re actually kind of claiming that was their day. The floral industry would have advertisements saying “this is our day.” By 1922, she’s leading boycotts for the floral industry. In 1923, there was a confectioner’s convention in Philadelphia and she crashes that convention to yell at them. In 1925, she’s arrested for disorderly conduct for crashing another convention of charities who are trying to use the day, so yeah. She’s pretty passionate about her day.

Slade: Over a century since it started, what is her legacy? Is it the person that started this holiday? Is it the person who opposed this commercialization that got out of control? Where is her mark on the world now?

Antolini: Well, the fact that we still celebrate the holiday, and there aren’t that many holidays that celebrate just women. I mean, I think if you Google it, there’s seven honest holidays. I mean, there’s like 14, if you count like National “Don’t wear a Bra” Day and silly, stupid things like that. But there’s only like seven holidays that celebrate women. Mother’s Day is the most popular holiday that celebrates women. So she would be happy that the holiday is still the most popular, you know, holiday that celebrates women, but she would be upset that nobody knows who she is. Because her ego is so wrapped up into it because she dedicates the rest of her 40 years — 40 years of her life is dedicated to this movement. And even long after the holiday was established in 1914. She’s defending it for the rest of her life.

She never backs down from anybody, right? I’m not talking just the floral industry and the greeting card industry. She went toe to toe with the Roosevelts and New York City businessmen and people who had more power than her and more influence than her. She didn’t care. They were whoever she was fighting against. Whether it’s the president or the florist down the street. They were using her day in a way that she didn’t agree with and she was gonna tell you all about it.

Listen To Mountain Stage At The Mother's Day Shrine

The Andrews Methodist Church in Grafton, W.Va., is a national landmark, recognized as the International Mother’s Day Shrine.

On May 11, 2008, Lucy Kaplansky and the Mountain Stage band commemorated the holiday with a tribute to all mothers in the same church where the holiday began 100 years ago.

Live Show News: Yola and Pokey LaFarge Added to Mountain Stage Lineups

Mountain Stage is adding two new shows to an already extensive live event schedule. Be sure to sign up for our e-mail newsletter for updates and follow along on social media for more artist announcements.

Pokey LaFarge will make his fourth appearance on Mountain Stage Sunday May 10 in Charleston, W.Va.

On Sunday May 10 Mountain Stage host and co-founder Larry Groce will welcome back the incomparable Pokey LaFarge, who will make his fourth appearance on the show.

Tickets are on sale now to Mountain Stage Members for only $15. Members make a recurring gift of $10/month or $120 annually and receive presale access and frequent discounts to our Culture Center shows. General Admission tickets will be $20 in Advance, available online and at Taylor Books in downtown Charleston on Friday, January 24 at 10a.m. EST.

LaFarge will join us shortly after wrapping up some tour dates through Mainland Europe. His latest release, Rock Bottom Rhapsody, is scheduled for release on April 10th, 2020 via New West Records.

Mountain Stage Members should check their e-mail inbox for instructions to redeem their discount.

Click here to browse membership levels and sign up to become a Mountain Stage Member.

As previously announced, Mountain Stage returns to the campus of Ohio University in Athens, Ohio on Sunday April 26 at the Templeton-Blackburn Alumni Memorial Auditorium as guests of OU Events and our affiliate WOUB Public Media.

This will be our first show in Athens with guest host Kathy Mattea, and we’re proud to announce our special guests will include British country-soul sensation Yola, songwriter extraordinaire Kim Richey, and the outspoken troubadour Carsie Blanton. Tickets are already on sale via OU Events. Find more venue and ticket info here.

2020 has already been quite a year for Yola, who appeared last night on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Her Dan Auerbach–produced album, Walk Through Fire, earned her four Grammy nominations, including Best Americana Album and Best New Artist.

Watch the Fallon performance below and check out Walk Through the Fire via Auerbach’s Easy Eye Sound.

A longtime favorite of Mountain Stage, singer and songwriter Kim Richey returns to the show on April 26, celebrating the 20th anniversary of her landmark album “Glimmer,” with a new release, A Long Way Back: The Songs of Glimmer, due March 27 on YepRoc Records. Richey recorded all 14 songs from the original release with two-time Grammy-nominated producer Doug Lancio in Nashville. The first single, “Come Around,” is available now.
Richey just appeared at the Ryman Auditorium on the first night of Brandi Carlile’s recent resedency there, and she’ll embark on a nationwide tour celebrating the Glimmer anniversary, performing the whole album and some old favorites.

Socially conscious songwriter Carsie Blanton will appear for the third time on April 26. According to her website, Blanton is “inspired by artists including Nina Simone and Randy Newman, her songs encompass a wide range of genres, from sultry pop to punk-tinged Americana. Whether alone with her electric guitar or fronting her four-piece “handsome band,” Carsie delivers every song with an equal dose of moxie and mischief.” Her latest, Buck Up, was released in February of last year.

“American Kid”- Carsie Blanton

Tickets for the April 26 Athens show are on sale now, and May 10 is on sale now to Mountain Stage Members.
Tickets will be available for May 10 at Taylor Books and online starting Friday, January 24 at 10a.m. EST.

Be sure to follow Mountain Stage on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for all the latest updates. You can also sign-up for our e-mail newsletter.

May 10, 1908: First Mother's Day Observance

On May 10, 1908, the nation’s first Mother’s Day observance was held at Andrews Methodist Episcopal Church in Grafton on the third anniversary of Anna Reeves Jarvis’s death. Jarvis’s humanitarian efforts were well known in Taylor County. She had worked at Andrews Methodist Episcopal Church for 30 years and long dreamed of a day dedicated to mothers.

Her daughter, Anna, was responsible for making Mother’s Day a reality. Anna advocated for Mother’s Day to become a national holiday, but the U.S. Senate defeated the idea the day before the first celebration was held in Grafton. Ministers, temperance groups, and women’s suffragists picked up the campaign and convinced 45 states to establish the holiday. On May 10, 1914, President Woodrow Wilson proclaimed the first national Mother’s Day—to be observed on the second Sunday of every May.

Anna Jarvis soon deplored how the holiday she’d help create had become so commercialized. She denounced Mother’s Day, referring to the floral, greeting-card, and candy industries as “charlatans, bandits, pirates, racketeers, kidnappers, and termites.”

Today, Andrews Methodist in Grafton is recognized as the International Mother’s Day Shrine.